Natural Parenting

"If we are ever to turn toward a kindlier society and a safer world, a revulsion against the physical punishment of children would be a good place to start." ~Dr. Benjamin Spock

Gentle Discipline

The most insane thing I ever saw happened at the mall. Alex was about 18 months old and there was another toddler in the store with which he was socializing. My attention became focused on them when Alex started crying, apparently the other child had hit him. This other child's mother immediately went over to her child and smacked him while saying, "Don't hit!" My jaw must have been hanging wide open as I watched this happen. I took Alex up and said, rather loudly, to my husband as we walked away "Oh yeah, that makes sense - hit the kid while telling him not to hit."

What did that mother teach her child that day? I can guarantee you that she did not teach him not to hit. She did teach him that it is alright to say one thing and do another, that it is acceptable to hit someone to get them to do what you want, and that he must be bad and unworthy of her love to deserve to be hit; what a sad statement.

20 Things to do Instead of Yelling or Spanking:

  1. Hug your child. Acting out is often a question of "Do you love me?" your child is saying, "Show me you love me; pay attention to me!"
  2. Take a deep breath (or two, or three) & release the anger.
  3. Put yourself in your child's place, what would you want your Mom (or Dad) to do/say to you?
  4. When kids are cranky add water! Fill the sink (or a bowl) with water and give them some plastic dishes to "wash" or put them in the tub and let them splash.
  5. Count backwards from 10 (or 20, 50, 100...) before responding.
  6. Call a supportive friend (not one who yells or spanks).
  7. Set up a quiet activity station (crayons & paper to express their emotions, clay to pinch, pound & pull, etc.), when your kids loose it have them go do a quiet activity until they calm down.
  8. Use the quiet activity station when YOU loose it - you're modeling anger management for your kid(s) too!
  9. Take a time out. Sit in a chair, or if the kids are safe, leave the room for a few minutes to regain your self-control.
  10. Post a list on the fridge of reasons why spanking doesn't work and read it every time you feel like spanking.
  11. Clap your hands until the urge to spank or hit goes away. Tell your kid(s) what you're doing; have them do it when they get mad.
  12. Use self-talk, repeat your chosen phrase to yourself when you feel the urge to hit (ex. "Hitting isn't love" or "It is o.k. to be mad; it is NOT o.k. to hit.")
  13. Model calmness even if you don't feel calm. Often if you model a behavior or a state of mind, you soon find you're no longer modeling but rather living the behavior.
  14. Laugh! Look for the humor in the situation.
  15. Is your child the closest target for your frustrations? Ask yourself why you are angry; are YOU too tired, hungry or lonely? Fix the situation. Have a snack, put the kids in front of the TV with a video and take a catnap, call a friend.
  16. Remind yourself that any lesson you provide is only effective if both you and your child have your dignity intact once the lesson is over.
  17. Change the scenery. If you're inside get outside - go for a walk or take the kids to a park. If you're out running around call it quits and go home - there's nothing so important that it can't wait a little longer.
  18. Look at yourself in the mirror, remind yourself that you are a grown-up and that grown-ups do not hit and they don't have to yell to be heard.
  19. "An ounce of prevention...." Find a way to take regular ME time to renew yourself, take a community ed. class, read a good book, have a massage or go for a walk. Make sure you get regular exercise too.
  20. If you promise yourself to quit hitting or stop yelling but you find you can't, seek help. Don't be ashamed, asking for help is an act of bravery.

"Spare the Rod and spoil the Child?"

I have a real problem with that statement, let me tell you why. The 'tools' of the shepherd are his rod and staff. How does he use these tools? They are used to guide the sheep in the right direction, giving a gentle prod when needed and to snatch them away from danger when necessary. They are not used to hit the sheep when they go astray. I think just about anyone would be appalled if they saw a shepherd out in the field beating his sheep. Also, these are supposed to be items which bring us comfort, as in Psalm 23 "...thy rod and thy staff they comfort me...." I don't know about you but I certainly would not be comforted by something which brings me pain.

Check out these excellent sites:

Click Here For Recommended Books
Click Here For Recommended Books

Back | Home | Next

What are my credentials? Legal Disclaimer & site Terms of Use.

Natural Mothering: Gentle Discipline Page
First on-line: 6/28/1996